Healing the Brokenhearted: Marital Abuse in the Church of God

A woman who grew up in a Church of God family reports that her mother was severely beaten during those years. Her father claimed he beat her mother to “get her under submission;” they were necessary for her salvation; and to beat “Satan out of her.” He beat her with various objects, including a Bible. He was careful to leave bruises only where they could be covered up, so it wouldn’t be obvious to others what was happening. He not only administered frequent beatings, but also abused her verbally and mentally. He berated her, calling her filthy names, and used various tactics to keep her in a state of cowering fear, uncertainty, and mental anguish.

The man’s “church face,” however, was quite the opposite of his behavior at home. In public, he was kind and courteous, complimenting his wife and doing acts of service for others in the Church. For years, few knew or suspected he was an abuser, although some later admitted they knew “something bad” was going on but did not know what to do about it.

Unfortunately, this story is only one of who knows how many examples of abuse that have occurred among families in the Church of God over the years. I know personally of several similar examples.

It’s important that we understand what abuse is and what God’s Word really teaches about it. We need to understand clearly there is never a justification for abusive conduct, and that God condemns abuse. Abuse is an involved subject. There’s no way one article can cover everything that could be covered about abusive behavior and how to deal with it. But we can consider some general guidelines and principles that are important to understand.

Marital abuse is not a phenomenon exclusive to the Church of God. Abuse occurs in virtually every society and among people of every religion and people of no religion. Sometimes religion is used to justify abuse. Sometimes even the Bible has been used – or misused – to make abuse seem okay, even within the Church of God. However, the Bible teaches that God condemns abuse, and abuse must be eradicated from our midst. And it will be eradicated eventually, one way or another.

Understand what abuse is

What is marital abuse? In one sense, it could include any mistreatment or disrespect toward a spouse. By that definition, most every married person has been guilty of abuse at one time or another. But what I want to focus on in this article is what I would term serious abuse, which is a pattern of mistreatment and disrespect toward and devaluation of a partner that has serious destructive effects on the victim’s physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual health and well-being. Either sex may be the abuser or the victim, but more commonly spouse abusers are men, as men tend to be more aggressive and are generally physically stronger than women.

In general abuse can be classified under several headings, namely, 1) physical abuse; 2) verbal; 3) mental and emotional abuse; 4) sexual abuse; 5) financial abuse, although these may overlap one another.

• Physical abuse may include any kind of physical assault, threat, or deprivation.
• Verbal abuse might include constant criticism, humiliating remarks, ridicule, name calling, or shouting and screaming.
• Mental and emotional abuse might be manifested in isolating the victim from family and friends, excessive control over the victim’s personal decisions, or withholding affection.
• Sexual abuse could include forcing sexual acts, infidelity, using sex to manipulate the victim, or forcing unwanted pregnancy.
• Financial abuse includes refusal to work or carry out household responsibilities, excessive control over the victim’s personal finances, refusing to include the spouse in major financial decisions, and gambling or reckless spending.

There is NEVER a justification for abuse

Abuse is often misunderstood, and even justified, by the victims. It’s absolutely vital that you understand that there is never any justification whatsoever for abuse. And also, abuse is never the victim’s fault. Anytime you think something like, “If she would just submit more, he wouldn’t beat her up,” you’re headed down the wrong track. I repeat, there is never any justification for abuse, and abuse is never the victim’s fault.

One frequently used, but very perverted, justification is that Scripture requires wives to submit to their husbands. The logic is husbands must use whatever means are necessary to force their wives into “submission,” even if that means beating and profoundly humiliating them; however, there is no command in the Bible for husbands to force their wives to submit. Rather, wives are to submit themselves (Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1), of their own volition, as a matter of conscience toward God. This presupposes the husband will be exercising his responsibility to love his wife with a godly, sacrificial love, and that he will honor his wife, treating her with respect, compassion, tenderheartedness, and courtesy (Ephesians 5:25-29; 1 Peter 3:7-8). Moreover, we are to submit to one another, and there are many situations in which either partner in a marriage may be obliged to give deference to the other in a spirit of love and cooperation (Ephesians 5:21; 1 Peter 5:5).

Abuse is a violation of the marriage covenant. A sound marriage is built on a foundation of mutual love and respect, both of which are entirely missing in abusive conduct. It’s also built on a foundation of trust, which is likewise violated by abuse. It’s interesting that abusers are often perfect gentlemen until after the wedding. However, if you’re a single person dating someone who displays abusive tendencies, get out of the relationship as fast as you can. It likely will not get better upon marrying the person.

“Fervent lips with a wicked heart [are] [like] earthenware covered with silver dross. He who hates, disguises [it] with his lips, and lays up deceit within himself; When he speaks kindly, do not believe him, for [there] [are] seven abominations in his heart; [though] [his] hatred is covered by deceit, His wickedness will be revealed before the assembly” (Proverbs 26:23-26). “Fervent lips” is translated more literally “burning lips” in the KJV. The words can be taken either of two ways, to persecute, or to express fervent passion. Abusers typically keep their victims off balance by doing both, alternately professing passionate love, and persecuting the victim through verbal and possibly physical attacks or other kinds of abusive conduct.

We must expose and rebuke abuse

God hates oppression and requires us to rebuke it. “When you spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you; Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood. Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil, learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor” (Isaiah 1:15-17).

We must not hide our heads in the sand when abuse is occurring, as is so often the case. We may not personally be able to stop it, but we can decry it and make our protests known. Certainly, we should not try to justify it by making alibis or blaming the victim.

Conduct characteristic of abuse is abhorred by God. “For You [are] not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness, Nor shall evil dwell with You. The boastful shall not stand in Your sight; You hate all workers of iniquity. You shall destroy those who speak falsehood; The Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man” (Psalm 5:4-6). As God abhors evil, so should we. “[H]ave no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose [them]” (Ephesians 5:11).

Victims also need to somehow muster the courage to expose the transgression, not cover up for the abuser (Ephesian 5:11-14). This takes courage and planning, and often must be approached very carefully to avoid retribution, but it needs to be done. “A person experiencing spousal abuse should immediately report the abuse to the police or seek professional counseling. Continued abuse, or allowing the abuse, only increases levels of abuse” (web.archive.org/web/20091125012818/www.texastherapists.com/SpousalAbuse.html). Assault and battery are crimes. Because the victim is a spouse does not make it okay.

Often abuse does not stop until the victim physically separates from the abuser. Again, this requires courage and careful planning. Report abuse to your minister. Also, you may well need to seek help from trusted professionals who specialize in abuse counseling, if you are an abuse victim. In the United States, the national domestic violence hotline is 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY1−800−787−3224. Another hotline, operated by Abuse Victim Hotline, Inc., is 1-877-448-8678.

Responsibility of the Church to eradicate abuse

We should support the victim. Don’t assume a victim is lying without investigating and don’t ever make the mistake of thinking abuse is justified. Sometimes false charges are made, sometimes charges of abuse are only partly true, but any such charge needs to be taken seriously and investigated. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

Next, we must warn the transgressor. The law is given to punish transgressors, including abusers (1 Timothy 1:9-10). When there is opportunity the abuser should be confronted. “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who [are] spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). Unfortunately, some abusers may not take such efforts seriously, but nevertheless, abusers need to be admonished about their behavior.

Then if you are guilty of abuse, repent. A husband who abuses his wife cuts himself off from God (Malachi 2:16-17; 1 Peter 3:7). If you are an abuser, and you have any desire to be in God’s Kingdom, stop being an abuser. If you don’t, you won’t be in God’s Kingdom. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10; “revilers” is loidoros, “reviler, abusive person” — Greek-English Lexicon, Bauer, Arndt and Gingrich).

Finally, we are instructed to put abusers out of the Church, if they will not repent. “But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner — not even to eat with such a person” (1 Corinthians 5:11; “reviler” same as above).

Spouse abuse, abuse of any kind, is repugnant and extremely destructive. Abuse is condemned by God, and we must repent of it and eradicate it from our midst.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” (I Corinthians 13:4-6)

Copyright © 2021 by Rod Reynolds

Permission has been given by the author to publish an edited and condensed version of the original article (cogmessenger.org/god-condemns-abuse/)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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